I don't recall the last time I've missed someone so much, I want to be with him. I want to hold his hand again. I want to be with this guy. You know that pain in your heart where you actually feel it breaking. That's what I'm feeling. Slowly, more and more each day. My first 2 days back I only had one meal because all I did was sleep during the day and think about you during the night. But now all I do is eat. Which is like whatever. But I'm awake during the night time and taking like 5 naps a day. I seriously don't wanna sleep knowing that you're half way around the world awake. I got so used to being in the same time zone as you and now I'm back to my regular schedule. I want to be where you are. I want to be back in vergara during the night time where after you got off work, we'd just sit by the river, look at the city lights and just talk. Or when you would sneak off work just to talk to me and ask how my day was going. I know what we had was eventually going to end but it ended because I left. I can't help but think would we be together if I stayed longer? We'll never know. It's so hard for people to understand where I'm coming from. It's not that they don't wanna help it's just that the way I describe it makes it seem like a typical guy crush of mine, but it wasn't. With mike, it was all sexual. My first time doing stuff like that. I loved it, don't get me wrong. And I thought that that's what I wanted. But then I met John, where maybe he wanted to try stuff, idk. But the difference is he didn't try them. It is so different than what I was used too. I thought I wanted a guy who knows how to touch me but John .. Idk. He just made me feel like I was the only one he wanted to talk too. With scott, it was like i was the only one giving in the relationship, i was the only who wanted a relationship but still, you know what i mean. With john whenever I gave he would give something back. And the way this guy hugged me was so unreal. I've never felt anything like it. Well compared to the way mike hugged me, he'd put his hands up my skirt and move his hands wherever. But with John, he'd just hold me tight. It was just so new to me. I guess that's what summer loves are like, it's supposed to make you experience something new and something that you've always wanted. It's supposed to make you feel like you're living a dream. Then again, it's only the summer.

Going to the philippines, I wasn't excited, at all. First off, it would be hot as hell, which means my skin would get all red and hivey, you guys know how itchy I get :$ then lizards and cockroaches everywhere, uh ew. But what really bothered me was that there was going to no white guys, or guys worth liking there. The only reason I went was so I could say goodbye to my Lola and meet the family I thought I'd never be able to meet. Even before I left, I was complaining non stop about how much I'd hate it. To be honest, it was such a new experience. I was blown away by the amount people our age there works. I thought times changed since my parents were there by they haven't, they freaking boil water and put it into a bucket just so they can have a hot shower. I turn a knob to get a hot shower, by the time the water finishes boiling, I could've been finished my shower and I take like 2 showers a day.
Anyways, there my family has a housemaid. She's 17. Her family and her boyfriend live in another province. She didn't go to college because she had to work to help make money for her family. She's so nice too and has like a FOB sense of humor, it's just so cute! I just felt so bad, she cleans up after everyone's mess. Not to mention she freaking gets bossed around by my spoiled bratty 8 year old cousin. I got close to her. Oh yeah, I called her ate! Ate Ailyn :)
Let me introduce you to my uncles workers which whom I have formed a strange bond with <3 my uncle there owns a water shop, like he sells fresh water there to the people in the city. There's a bunch of shops there like it. Anyways, the first time I saw them I looked like shit. I seriously don't think they noticed. They were all eating. I was wearing nothing but a long shirt. I saw this one guy there but I didn't really try anything because like my family was around. It's hard to turn your game on when family is around, naw mean. Let me just say, the first week and a half I was friendless. Everyone was afraid to talk to me because I spoke English. Uh it's the universal language, if anyone should be scared, it should be me trying to understand your Tagalog. Well not everyone was afraid to talk to me, I met my cousins who are pretty rich there, they like can afford like hipster type clothes. Except Filipino style, which isn't that great. But still not bad. And a lesbian, her sister and some little boy who wanted to give me his necklace. I'll tell you about them later on. I never thought that getting involved with my uncles workers would be a big deal. Like my uncle, ate Ailyn, the workers and myself would all eat and make jokes. This was around my last 2 weeks there when everyone started loosening up to me. First it started off with me talking to ate Ailyn, then when she finished doing things around the house we would walk to the park and back around another way so we could pass by the shop. I only wanted to go that way to see the boy I thought was good looking. I knew that if the workers saw me with ate Ailyn they'd wanna be friends with me too, I know I make it seem like I was totally using ate Ailyn but that wasn't my intention! I just wanted a friend, it was either ate Ailyn or a spoiled brat. So 2 weeks left in my vacation and kuya puti starts talking to me. Honestly, one of the nicest guys ever! Just so funny, helpful and social. Kuya puti was also the one who made one of my dreams come true, gave me a ride on a motorcycle. Then I'm pretty sure kuya pickett and kuya June thought I was hot because they were staring like non stop, like whenever they got the chance, they'd look at me. Whatever, go ahead haha. Joke Lang. then gianalyn? I don't know how to spell her name, but it's like janealyn? LMAO but with a G. Nothing big about her, a lesbian with a girlfriend that she lives with. Honestly, pretty hot. I swear it was the hair. She was a tomboy. So in the relationship, I'm pretty sure she'd be the guy. She told me to add her on Facebook. Only connection I have with them since texting isn't working. Then there's this other lesbian, she didn't work at the shop. I met her at my lola's viewing. I honestly thought she was a he and thought he who was really a she was pretty decent looking. My bad. But she was really nice, I found out she helped my grandma when she needed help. If my Lola needed water the girl would get it, I thought it was pretty cute. I found out she had a crush on ate Ailyn and I thought it was hilarious because ate Ailyn was straight and already had a boyfriend. Whenever I saw Janine, that's her name btw, I'd smile and point at ate Ailyn. I just gave her a hardtime about it as a joke. Then I found out she liked me, like I'm straight too. Anyways it was cute, kinda weird at the same time.
Now, last but certainly not least. John. See I never called him kuya John, just John. He never called me ate either. I don't know where to start with him. First off he was the guy that I thought was good looking. I remember the first time we actually talked. Well when I said something I said "sorry" LMAO because he was supposed to carry a box but my purse was on top of it and he just stood there LOL aw, I bet he didn't sat anything cause I spoke English. Then my mom yelled from downstairs telling me to move my bag, then that's when I said sorry.
Omg the box was heavy too. And like his veins and his muscles and he was sweating and like oh man. The fact that he was helping me too. Like <3 then me and ate Ailyn got close and I told her about my crush on John. And she said that she's gonna tell him to go talk to me. Now that I was getting ate Ailyn to help me I thought it was my job to make it obvious that I like him. I totally ignored the man for a bit. Bit my lip around him. When I was talking to the other workers I'd have a cute laugh and smile alot, when it was just me and him my back was facing him, flip my hair and whenever he came around I'd leave. The usual. This entire time I thought I was being subtle, kuya puti saw right through me. Apparently that entire time kuya puti kept telling John "gusta ka si ate Kay" something like that. Just saying "ate Kay likes you." i thought it was jokes, at this point he was telling ate Ailyn to give me messages. John has one ear piercing and he wanted one of my earrings, like my cartilage one. he wanted my number too. Then I told ate Ailyn, tell him to ask me himself. So one day I spent the entire day at vergara, which is where my uncle lives and where I see John. I was sitting outside my uncles house once then I saw ate Ailyn leave and I asked her where she was going. She said the canto! Like the corner of the street, which is where the shop is. She was telling me to come so I could see John. Then I was like naw. That's kinda awks. Then when she came back like 5 minutes later, she said that he was gonna come talk to me later. I got excited but the thing I was wondering was of he could understand English, which he can and that i thought he was afraid to talk to me. Ate Ailyn said he wasn't afraid, he was afraid of my parents and uncles. so yeah, about 15 minutes passed and john still has not shown up, like where the eff was this guy? i was so scared because my mom finally came back from the mall and she was sitting with me. finally john came but walked passed because my mom was there, COCKBLOCK. john was standing close to the entrance to the park, i was just gonna make his job a little more easier. i called ate from upstairs and said let's sit in the park. so we walk passed him then he comes to the park and sits beside me. it was an awkward conversation to be completely honest. but i loved it, i was nervous and everything. i was getting that feeling of liking someone again. he asked for my number and my earring, i gave my number but i didn't give my earring yet because i didn't have a change for it. anyways ate ailyn was being lookout and said that my uncle was looking for john because he had to help him with connecting a cable,. so he left, whatever. i go into the house and this guy is using powertools and my heart just, actually no, not my heart my vagina just exploded. My mom said we had to leave to go to back to the condo, i don't get why we had to leave so early, there was nothing to do there. the next day i didn't go to vergara because my mom's friends were coming over and seriously, i was miserable there. this girl was trying to make friends with me and at first i was so not interested, giving dirty looks n shit but she eventually warmed up to me but still,, i couldn't stop talking about you, i was telling her everything. the next day i spent the day in vergara again while my parents went out, as usual he had to work throughout the day. then dinner time came and all the workers came up to eat but he wasn't there. so ate ailyn was like "asan si john" and all the workers were like he's probably showering, or putting cologne, trying to look good. they all looked at me and smiled i looked back at them and just smiled but really i was swooning and like laughing all at the same time. after dinner he came back out after his smoke and talked to me. he asked if he could check my ipod out, so of course i let him see it, then his cousin and friend came up, and took my ipod from him and checked it out too, they were so creeping my pictures and there was this next ugly picture of me making some pip face :( WHATEVER HE STILL LIKED ME. then his friend kept calling him down because they were gonna go out and drink, but he decided to stay with me a little bit longer. cute. after a couple minutes he said he had to get ready but he'll bring my ipod back before he leaves. we were being forced to sleep so i told ate to get my ipod from him and she got it. while me and ate were talking in the room, i was going through my ipod and he took pictures of himself, it was honestly just so a-freaking-dorable <3 it's my wallpaper! okay, so i was hoping he'd come back up before he left but he didn't, if he did i would've hugged him. so the next time i saw him, was on my second last day there, the usual stuff, he finished work, him and the workers ate after me and my relatives. usually after dinner my uncle would sleep, but this time he didn't. he decided to watch a movie in the living room. john stayed to watch the movie for a bit, but then left. i was honestly like wtf. it's my second last day and i won't be able to see the guy who made this trip worth it. he eventually came back up, i think he just went to go smoke. since my uncle was cockblocking, i decide to go out and just chill there, but really it's because i knew john would follow after. so i went out and sat down on the bench in front of the house, ate came, picket was already there and john came, and eventually everyone else who worked there came. me and john talked a bit. He was gonna go out to drink again, this time he invited ate to go, obviously if ate goes so will I. but she doesn't drink so, that didn't work. anyways he was smoking in some next corner with the other workers close to the entrance of the park. i was just hoping that he'd go to the park to if i went. i asked ate to come to the park with me and she lead the way, i passed by john .. me and ate took a seat at the park, then like one minute after john came. woooo. we were there with like a couple other people who lived in my area. and some bakla was there, and honestly, i was gonna punch the man out. like stfu you annoying man who is trying to be a lady, SHUT UP. i'm pretty sure john could see i was about to hurt someone so he was like "lakhad tayo" and i was "aah okay :DDDD" like yeah i was so happy. we found a place to sit close to them but not enough for them to talk to us haha. honestly the things we talked about was just so, idek. i loved it. it was just a fucking change to be able to talk to someone and have like a normal convo with you. then we basically went into deep convo mode. told me he liked me and he doesn't want me to leave. he said he's worried that when i leave we won't be able to talk. omg my babbbby :( anyways we go back to the people and they said that my aunt came and they totally did just ratted on us. WTF GUISE. whatever i didn't think it was a big deal. i told him to take a day off the next day and to come with me to eat bulaga and he agreed and said he'll come. anyways my uncle yells me and ate's name from the house so we can go in and sleep, omg my aunt so told him me and john were talking. whatever i asked him for a hugged and yeah we hugged. i loved it. it was just a cute, tight, sincere, loving, safe hug. like no guy has ever hugged me like that. i absolutely loved it. then he said "i'll miss you" again <3 i would've kissed him but i decided that i should do that the next day when we go to eat bulaga, on my last day. so the next day, he didn't come to eat bulaga. i was kinda bummed, like even ate didn't come. we still went to vergara, close to where they are but we went to my grandma's grave to say bye. i was begging my parents to stop bye where they were cause i knew that it was now or never. they said no because they were coming over later to the condo. i knew that, but i was %100 that john wasn't gonna be there. at this point, i was crying, trying to hide my tears from my parents. was i supposed to tell them that i wanted to say bye to someone who i like, who means alot to me. i couldn't. so i texted him and ask why he didn't come to eat bulaga, he told me that my uncle yelled at him. i felt so bad because i kept telling him not to worry about a thing, that my uncle would be okay with it. i said sorry and all that stuff and he said don't worry, it's my fault too. it was kinda cute. but my mom took her phone back so i couldn't text. when my uncle and some other people came over, ate didn't even come. that girl got in trouble too. OMFG i said sorry to her too through the phone, and they were all being so nice about it. they were like no, it's okay, i will miss you ate kay. OMFG THESE PEOPLE i never had someone make me feel this way. like the feeling of liking someone and them liking you too, and not even being boyfriend and girlfriend, but like, idk, the dating stage. i loved it. i was honestly so happy being around him, i mean you wait all day to see someone and when you finally do, it's like this feeling of, being complete. what sucks is that the last time we said goodbye, we thought it wasn't gonna be our last, but it was. i just can't help but think what would've happened if i stayed longer. even if he did get in trouble, would we still sit in the park by the river at night, and just talk about stuff, our past, the present, maybe even the future. i'm sounding so dramatic right now, but i just never felt like this. it hurts so much because all i wanna do is be with him and just talk to him. i miss him so much. people complain about long distance relationships, when she lives here in sauga and the other dude live in Brampton, like f'real. i thought that was far but that's nothing compared to being separated by a fucking ocean. whatever, i'm just trying to text him but the numbers and stuff are just different! he showed me what it was like to actually feel loved, i just wasn't ready to let that feeling go, i didn't want to let it go. dear john, i miss you so much :'(

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